Life Outside the Closet

In recent weeks I have been seeing a lot of posts in the various spanking groups I belong to where people are contemplating outing themselves to a person they feel they can trust. I don't know if this stems from the 50 Shades of Grey hype, or if there are other factors. I have been out of the closet as a spanko for some years now, and I just want to reflect on my experiences for any who care to read them. I am not advising people to come out or to stay in. I only want to share my experiences so that others can make an informed choice.

As a much younger man, I choose to out myself to the world. I won’t go into the reasons why; it’s water under the bridge. What I have done, I have done. The information is out there and I can never take it back. I do not disdain people who do not come out. If anything, I protect you all more vehemently than some people who are still "in."

In my experience there were very few people who became angry, agitated or even aghast about what they came to learn about me. For many it was a big joke. As a result, I was a big joke. There will always be people who will try to make this kink into a laughing stock, which is fine I suppose. I mean what we do to each other is pretty silly when you stop to think about it. But I’ve had to maintain a thick skin, laugh at the jokes and move on. No one has ever really taunted or accosted me over this. I’ve never been harassed, although some people have been somewhat shocked by it all. Of course I live fairly close to New York City, so folks around here have lower thresholds than one might expect in say, Cedar Rapids. Nothing against people in Cedar Rapids, mind you, it’s just that the “New York Area” mindset is totally alien to those good folks.

Quietly, people have always tolerated that I was into something "kinky." Some people asked a lot of stupid, misguided questions based on mass media mis-portrayal of our kink. But there's a difference between people who are ignorant and able to be educated, and those who are just plain stupid. I often find myself explaining distortions and trying to correct misperceptions. That requires a great deal of patience, and some days I have to sum up all my strength to do it.

While things weren't said and while people quietly put up with me, there were, and are, differences in the way people sometimes respond to me. For example, I was once at a vanilla event and was moving to things around when I accidentally bumped into a stack of extra chairs and caused them to fall over. No one was hurt, there wasn't even anyone on that side of the room, but the vanilla folks in the room all looked up in an alarmed manner. I just stared at the fallen chairs, then looked up, smiled and said "Oops" and went about picking up the mess. They nervously laughed it off and went back about their business, but I'm certain they would not have felt "alarmed" if a vanilla person had the same minor, and almost comical, accident.

Because it's known of, but not spoken of, at my job I do not have the luxury of having a stressful day. When other employees maybe bleat and complain about a stressful day at work, people react with "poor guy, he needs a break. I hope he has a good weekend." If I do it, it would likely be met with "What do you expect? Look at who he is. They're probably all like that!" Because I'm out, I have to hold myself to a higher standard. I do not have the luxury of having the same human foibles that vanilla folks have. When the world sees me, on some level they see "all spankophiles." I always have to remind myself that I have to be even more sane and even more well adjusted than those around me, because at the end of the day, I am still the “deviant.”

This is not to say that the tension runs thick. Most times it's barely, if at all, visible. The First Selectman (mayor) of my small town knows and he thinks it's great that I'm open about who I am. The real irony to this is that the small New England town I live in has a history steeped deeply in Puritan repression from early Colonial days. And yet, here I am a spanko walking openly in this community. Karma can be the most unforgiving bitch in the known universe, but every now and again she demonstrates a robust sense of humour.

So there are some who are open to the idea of what we do being a consensual choice, but that doesn't mean we are "mainstream" by any means. People are tolerant of me, but that does not mean they accept what I do with consenting partners. There's a difference between tolerance and acceptance. Do not confuse the two for being the same, as they are not.

I'll be very honest - I have never had any major problems as a result of coming out. It's never impacted my career, it's never impacted my family and it's never caused me any injury beyond some stupid questions or tasteless jokes. But then again, I'm former field technician turned paper pushing desk jockey. I don't work with kids. I don't work with the elderly. If I were teaching middle school or working in a geriatric care facility, things could very well be very different. If I were a Boy Scout Troupe leader or coaching girl’s softball, well, that might get some folks pretty agitated.

The biggest downside to being out was in finding a woman to build a serious relationship with. Finding play partners at parties was never a problem. Why would it be? We're behind closed doors, everyone is "family," so it's all good, right? But once you leave the venue, you find a lot of women aren't very keen to be seen in public in the company of someone who is out. I found a wonderful woman who was okay with being with the guy who was out...and then I lost her to cancer while she was still very young. I thought my life had ended when she passed. It was hard enough to find this woman; how could I ever replace her? Don’t get me wrong, in the past year a wonderful woman has come into my life. But I sometimes wonder if she truly understands that when some people see her with me, they know why she is with me.

On the upside, I have a layer of protection around me that others do not. The idiots who run around outing people for fun have no power over me. How do you out someone who is out? I have the ability to go to law enforcement when criminal acts are committed by those who feel emboldened because they prey on mostly closeted people. I’m not someone who calls the cops to shut down a party out of spite or a feeling of rejection. If I’m calling the cops it’s because there been a physical or sexual assault, or someone is screwing around with kids or the developmentally challenged. Or maybe someone is trying to blackmail a person on account of their kink, or hacking into computers, etc. I call the cops for serious criminal acts, and if they give me an attitude, I just politely remind them that it is not a crime for consenting adults to explore sexual fantasies of this nature, and we deserve the same level of protection under the law as everyone else. Being out renders bullies and other assorted scum largely powerless over me, although I’m not immune. None of us are immune.

While I have a certain amount of empowerment by being out, I always have to be mindful of that fact that this is alien territory to a lot of people. I went to a spanking party in New York City shortly before writing this. Someone who knew where I was going, and why I was going, asked me about it the next day. I initially said “It was a god party” and was happy to leave it at that. But I was also asked “What do people do at these parties?” I explained that we were in a loft in Manhattan. People were dressed very nicely, there were snacks and drinks and everyone was well spoken, etc. Frankly, if it had not been for certain sounds permeating the room, you’d have thought it was an office party for an upscale Manhattan law firm or some such. The dumbfounded look that comment was met with is beyond description, and these are the moments when I always need to emphasize that were are normal, well adjusted members of society who just have this weird little interest. I certainly don’t try to explain to vanillas how it is that we can be sexually monogamous, yet at the same time be polyspankerous. Vanilla society isn’t capable of comprehending that; not even in the greater NYC area.

My final thoughts on this would be to say to those who are contemplating coming out to be aware of your surroundings. Be aware of your community. Be aware of vanilla sensibilities. If you do come out, my advice would be to do so in the quiet, “yes, I am” mode as opposed to the “we’re here and in your face” mode. As I said before, people tolerate me, but that does not mean they accept me. Know the difference before you take this plunge.

Beyond the Comfort Zone

Last weekend, Rookie asked me to push her beyond her comfort zone during a spanking session. I was more than happy to oblige, with the normal constraints and safety procedures in place.

Well, Rookie was quite surprised when she discovered that being pushed past her comfort zone meant I was going to use the implements she dislikes the most at a higher level of impact. At one point, she was in so much discomfort, she accused me of having deceived her the whole time and that I obviously had not been truly spanking her very hard. Then she asked what implement I was using. When she discovered it was a dreaded rubber item, she asked me why I was using that since she hated rubber so much. My response was “I’m using it because you asked me to push you past your comfort zone, so naturally that means pushing with items you don’t like. What did you think I’d use, paper mache?” Note to newbies: the person swinging the strap can be just as much of a smartass as they want to be. It seems Rookie thought I’d push her past her comfort zone by using her favourite items in “some other way.” This is why I still call her “Rookie.” :-)

I wasn’t a total asshat to the dear woman. After it was over, I went the extra mile and took her to a Happy Place with a leather shoe sole paddle, so she was well cared for and she had a good wind down, even if we did push the boundaries of her comfort zone. Of course the whole reason we were pushing those boundaries was because she was in a good enough headspace to venture out. And when it comes to pushing boundaries, these wonderful spankees really do need to be in that headspace.

For us Tops, pushing boundaries requires a great deal of focus. We have a responsibility to ensure the bottom is in a safe and secure place, even though we’re taking them beyond the walls of normalcy. This all comes back to the old axiom I’ve been using since the 1990’s: “A spanking session is supposed to hurt, but it’s important that no one is ever harmed by this activity.” That said, I stress safety first for anyone experimenting with this.

Stress relief spanking – What’s in it for the spanker?

This blog post stems from a recent discussion I had with a bottom. She enjoys her stress relief spanking sessions immensely, and out of the blue recently she asked me “But what’s in it for you?”

The short answer is “The same as what’s in it for you – stress relief.” But there is a longer answer as well.

That longer answer is that I simply enjoy spanking women. For me it’s often, but not always outside the box of sexuality. I find the act of spanking a woman’s bottom to be very relaxing, very pleasant and yes, a whole lot of fun! The fact that the woman is enjoying it as much as I am makes it extremely rewarding.

I don’t think I could spank a woman who doesn’t want to be spanked. Being “out” I have had many experiences over the years with thrill seekers who wanted to try it and see what it was all about. But the thing is, I don’t really get into it as much with a thrill seeker as I do with a true spanko. There’s always the chance I’ll unleash a closet spanko in those situations, but in this age of experimentation with alternate lifestyles I know that the odds are not always favourable. Over the years I think I’ve only found I had one closet spanko over my lap in that situation, and the rest were, well…thrill seekers.

Also, with a thrill seeker there’s a lot of time and effort spent making sure she’s okay and tolerating it well; that I’m not doing any real harm and that she’s not about to freak out and call the cops. Spanking a thrill seeker is a fun distraction at times, but it’s not the same as being with a true spanko. Sure, the thrill seekers consent to it, but not the same as doing it with someone who honestly enjoys it.

During a stress relief session with a true spanko, we can try different things. Be it different implements, different spanking techniques, or just using those all too fun “discipline dice” that Cane-Iac sells to lighten the mood.

But stress relief spankings are not just about spanking someone. It’s about good conversation, lots of laughs and just relaxing and being social with a person whose company you enjoy. The fact that we share this wonderfully twisted spanking thing just strengthens the bonds between us.

When it comes to stress relief spanking, the Top and the bottom are in it together. We really are achieving the same goal when we proceed with these sessions. It’s mutual relaxation, mutual enjoyment and mutual rewards. And in the end, both parties feel less stressed. And that’s what’s “in it for me.”